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Expectations - Thoughts from the Woods


I've always put expectations on myself. Whether rational or not. These expectations probably served me well at times, holding myself accountable as a young kid growing up. Many expectations were how I presented myself and how handled certain situations. This habit of creating expectations, often unrealistic and often surrounding insignificant details such as what I say in trivial conversations, how I said it, what I didn't say, is where I experience the most inner dialogue that leads to stress, anxiety, and exhaustion. 
It's a habit where I am very hard on myself. Negative self-talk. Feeling like I'm not achieving. Will they accept me? Will they recognize me for what I do well?
I have this habit because if I ever find out others had expectations of me, and I failed to reach them, I panic. It's hard for me to "let someone down". What will they think of me? They will probably leave me/fire me.
It's a habit where having expectations on myself leads to setting expectations for others. I feel let down a lot. I judge; I judge a lot. If I'm this hard on myself, you should see how hard I am on others and the judgmental/negative feelings this can lead to. 
Exhaustion.
Recognizing this as an area I need to work on, my natural tendency as someone with an extreme personality is to swing that pendulum all the way over to where I no longer care. I view things with indifference. My thinking, when it’s extreme, gets to where I view life as very futile. This can lead to severed relationships; I don't even like most people to begin with. As someone who enjoys solitude I withdraw, often too much. I recognize I often feel happier in this existence, at least momentarily. Maybe the thoughts are easier to manage. However, I know it too isn't healthy in the long run (and won't be best for me). 
I'm currently stuck in this pendulum, trying to find a middle ground that serves me and those I love and can serve in the best possible way. I'm trying to be the steel ball in the middle that remains static and isn't tossed to and fro. I'm still in a phase of preparing myself for a change. I've reached the point in my financial journey where I can see the tree line, and part of the summit. I'm almost there. However, I'm unsure and a bit nervous about what's next. I can't consider just me. Expectations are on me as a family leader; as a provider. 
This was on my mind the most as I covered 37 miles in 16 hours. Why'd I go so fast? Because I created that expectation. I should have slowed down and breathed in the view a few more times.

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